Halloween Is Terrifying
When I was in 4th grade, a rumor circulated in my class that someone was going to gruesomely murder all the blond-haired, blue-eyed girls on Halloween night that year. As a result, my best friend's mom convince my mom that we should skip neighborhood Trick-or-Treating AND the middle school Fall Festival and only drive around to visit people we knew.
I think that was the moment that ruined Halloween for me forever.
Now, the holiday is nothing but misery, always leading me right down the quick road to Crazy. This morning was the perfect example:
I had been telling a friend recently that I usually end up purchasing a book to go along with whatever costume my kid wants to wear to Storybook Character Day because I'm just not doing the multiple costumes in one year thing - and who ever wants to be an actual book character when you can be Spiderman or Elsa?? - when lo and behold, my youngest surprises me by coming up with the adorable idea of being one of the Three Little Pigs. He wants to be "the red one" and spends some time helping me understand exactly which book features that particular Pig. I get further sucked in when he seems excited about the idea of making the ears and nose and tail out of paper - and I get SO swept away that I end up purchasing a plastic pig nose and a cheap headband with pink ears already attached. He continues to be thrilled and runs around in the costume for a half a day after I've brought it home. The next two nights at bedtime, we read every version of the story that we own.
But happiness in parenting is always destined for a fall.
The morning of Storybook Character Day starts off innocently enough - but then we cannot find the exact color of clothes that the pig is wearing in the book. We spend no less than 20 minutes trying to get the pink pipe-cleaner tail twisted just right. And the kicker: nothing will convince the boy that his skin isn't "pink enough" for a pig. I manage a few pitiful photos before I totally lose my cool. There are threats involved in the effort to get us loaded into the van when it's time to go. And, as you might have guessed, by the time we pull up to the school parking lot, all elements of the costume have been removed (except the tail - which will cause a small scene later on at the door to the classroom), and I deliver nothing more than a grumpy 4-year-old dressed in blue and holding the remnants of what might've been our family's most triumphant Storybook Character Day costume yet.
Oh, Halloween, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
1. I hate being bombarded by "spooky" decorations at every turn.
2. I hate that "sexy [anything]" is basically the only alternative to "witch" for adult female costumes.
3. I hate how much candy I am forced to purchase for strangers.
4. I hate having to begin the "what will I be" discussion on October 1. [No, who am I kidding? That discussion always begins on November 1 of the previous year - but at least I feel justified in not engaging until T Minus 31 days.]
5. I hate having to repeatedly broadcast the math on how many days until Halloween, often beginning mid-summer.
6. I hate seeing babies dressed as zombies.
7. I hate seeing anyone dressed as zombies.
8. Just don't give me any zombies. I hate them.
9. I hate watching the Halloween episode of sitcoms - especially during any month that doesn't begin with "o."
10. I hate Trunk or Treat. As a wise Instagrammer recently pointed out - why are we teaching kids to take candy from the trunks of strangers' cars? Really?? Really.
11. I especially hate church Trunk or Treat. REALLY???
12. I hate cold cream and pumpkin guts.
13. I hate Pinterest during October, with its stupid "witch's brew" cocktails and spider printables.
14. I hate dealing with my oldest child's insane expectations for costumes. I'd rather diffuse bombs for a living.
15. I hate preschool Storybook Character Day, with its ridiculous expectation that we bring a book to match whatever costume our Tiny Tyrant deems acceptable and pleasing to him on that morning.
16. I hate those little white poppers that one of our neighbors growing up used to leave all over his sidewalk for poor innocent kids to step on. Pure evil.
17. I hate the buckets of candy wrappers that haunt me through November.
18. I hate the candy buckets, too.
19. I hate the Spirit Shop. Hate. It.
20. I hate the inevitable disillusionment that occurs at some point between the purchase/gathering of a child's costume and the donning of the costume, often resulting in a terrifying last-minute scramble to wear something else.
21. And I hate that just as soon as we get to throw out the rotting Jack-o-lantern and return to dressing up purely for the joy of it, we have already waded chest-deep into discussions of "what I want for Christmas"....
Someone save me!
I think that was the moment that ruined Halloween for me forever.
Now, the holiday is nothing but misery, always leading me right down the quick road to Crazy. This morning was the perfect example:
I had been telling a friend recently that I usually end up purchasing a book to go along with whatever costume my kid wants to wear to Storybook Character Day because I'm just not doing the multiple costumes in one year thing - and who ever wants to be an actual book character when you can be Spiderman or Elsa?? - when lo and behold, my youngest surprises me by coming up with the adorable idea of being one of the Three Little Pigs. He wants to be "the red one" and spends some time helping me understand exactly which book features that particular Pig. I get further sucked in when he seems excited about the idea of making the ears and nose and tail out of paper - and I get SO swept away that I end up purchasing a plastic pig nose and a cheap headband with pink ears already attached. He continues to be thrilled and runs around in the costume for a half a day after I've brought it home. The next two nights at bedtime, we read every version of the story that we own.
But happiness in parenting is always destined for a fall.
The morning of Storybook Character Day starts off innocently enough - but then we cannot find the exact color of clothes that the pig is wearing in the book. We spend no less than 20 minutes trying to get the pink pipe-cleaner tail twisted just right. And the kicker: nothing will convince the boy that his skin isn't "pink enough" for a pig. I manage a few pitiful photos before I totally lose my cool. There are threats involved in the effort to get us loaded into the van when it's time to go. And, as you might have guessed, by the time we pull up to the school parking lot, all elements of the costume have been removed (except the tail - which will cause a small scene later on at the door to the classroom), and I deliver nothing more than a grumpy 4-year-old dressed in blue and holding the remnants of what might've been our family's most triumphant Storybook Character Day costume yet.
Oh, Halloween, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
1. I hate being bombarded by "spooky" decorations at every turn.
2. I hate that "sexy [anything]" is basically the only alternative to "witch" for adult female costumes.
3. I hate how much candy I am forced to purchase for strangers.
4. I hate having to begin the "what will I be" discussion on October 1. [No, who am I kidding? That discussion always begins on November 1 of the previous year - but at least I feel justified in not engaging until T Minus 31 days.]
5. I hate having to repeatedly broadcast the math on how many days until Halloween, often beginning mid-summer.
6. I hate seeing babies dressed as zombies.
7. I hate seeing anyone dressed as zombies.
8. Just don't give me any zombies. I hate them.
9. I hate watching the Halloween episode of sitcoms - especially during any month that doesn't begin with "o."
10. I hate Trunk or Treat. As a wise Instagrammer recently pointed out - why are we teaching kids to take candy from the trunks of strangers' cars? Really?? Really.
11. I especially hate church Trunk or Treat. REALLY???
12. I hate cold cream and pumpkin guts.
13. I hate Pinterest during October, with its stupid "witch's brew" cocktails and spider printables.
14. I hate dealing with my oldest child's insane expectations for costumes. I'd rather diffuse bombs for a living.
15. I hate preschool Storybook Character Day, with its ridiculous expectation that we bring a book to match whatever costume our Tiny Tyrant deems acceptable and pleasing to him on that morning.
16. I hate those little white poppers that one of our neighbors growing up used to leave all over his sidewalk for poor innocent kids to step on. Pure evil.
17. I hate the buckets of candy wrappers that haunt me through November.
18. I hate the candy buckets, too.
19. I hate the Spirit Shop. Hate. It.
20. I hate the inevitable disillusionment that occurs at some point between the purchase/gathering of a child's costume and the donning of the costume, often resulting in a terrifying last-minute scramble to wear something else.
21. And I hate that just as soon as we get to throw out the rotting Jack-o-lantern and return to dressing up purely for the joy of it, we have already waded chest-deep into discussions of "what I want for Christmas"....
Someone save me!
Just talk to my kids. They know we don't DO this holiday. They will be in bed, and if anybody knocks, they'll be getting a glow stick from the Dollar Spot. Zero costumes, zero candy, zero wrappers, and I love it.
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